SaaS but actually it’s SaaS

If you hadn’t heard:

AGI is in, having a job is out.

Democratic Socialism is in, culture war is out

Capitalism is fucked, nobody’s gonna fix it

Except me and my new hot startup!

It’s this new thing called: SaaS!

Now I know what you’re thinking

Ozzy! We already have SaaS! It’s dying along with everything else that isn’t made out of trillions of hyper-parameters and named Claude ¿¿¿Qué pasa????

BUT I’m not talking about that SaaS!

This is SaaS!!

SaaS is the latest frontier for every red-blooded, steak munchin’, mud slingin’, city slickin’, bum kickin’, tax dodgin’, exotic pet tradin’, grass mowin’, butt chuggin’, American out there!

SaaS began when I (an American) sat down with a fellow (I don’t recall the name) who described himself as Republican or maybe it was Democrat. Not important. But anyways as I was saying I was sitting with this guy and he told me how he just hates paying the government for services he ain’t receiving.

And I said well now hold on a minute my good dear friend, you are getting services aren’t you such as this bench we’re sitting on in this lovely park? Such as the lovely roads we took to arrive at said park. Such as the lovely military folks whose keeping the bad folks to mindin’ their own. Such as but then he stopped me and he said:

I don’t want none of that my dearest beautiful bro. All I need Mr. President to do for me is to provide me with well structured zoning protections bound with those nice, what do you call it

spiral bound?

yes that’s it! Provide me with those well structured zoning protection regulations and only those regulations in a nice spiral bound book with that nice professional cardstock so folks are believing it when I show them they can’t build their horse fuckin’ data farm on this or that or the other lot.

And you know what? HE WAS RIGHT!

We don’t need all of these services, I don’t know whomst I’m paying who the hell is this IRS garnishing my hard paid work?

We ain’t a collective!! I said aloud and I ran to my home and I began to write.

I began to write a plan, a pitch, to present to you today a pitch for—>

Socialism as a Service!

SaaS is a lot like your regular plain old socialism the same that your grandpa lost his job over cause he was caught with a crumpled flyer reading “socialist teens show it all” hidden in his waste bin in 1958! Too bad he wasn’t union!

But plain old socialism, like all legacy brands, needs a hard reset. Excuse my french but I’d go as far as saying it’s due for a Hard Fork!

Why operate as a communal group of individuals bound by common virtue and purpose with a understanding that as a collective we are stronger together and cannot be bound by the false gods of technologopicalism?

We’re not fuckin’ or fucking communists are we? We’re not filthy disgusting collectivists are we? Most surely we are not bound and gagged by technologopitilists like the Zuckenbergers or the Valley of Boys but they’re Toys or the Nazdak are we?

NO! We shall not do that because instead (this is the cool part):

we can pay a simple monthly subscription and receive social services or save with an annual plan!

and the best part?

it’s all free*

No need to own your own food. No need to own your own GPURAM cluster or chicken farm. No need to live in a house or even a home.

Nope none of that. This, my friends, is the next great leap in political and economic technoutopianism.

Here’s how it works

think: -> Hello Fresh for Social Welfare

We all love Hello Fresh!

Instead of waiting around wishing that an adequate meal would magically appear disassembled for us to enjoy manually mixing together and eating for a 2-6 week trial period, we just pay a simple monthly fee and–unbelievably–those ingredients really do appear. They really do and I wish I knew how those buggers at Hello Fresh pulled it off.

I’m sure you’re already way ahead of me by now you little Feynman oh you! But let me finish my pitch before you get all giggly! WE the visionaries let YOU the people pay one (simple) monthly price and all of the components of socialism that none of us feel like running to the store for show up in a box in front of a home or PO box.

Except it won’t be a box its much better because its actually just the idea of the box. The idea of the box with all the different ingredients of social unification inside and YOU the genius who signed up for the early bird special (GOSH YOURE SO SMART) get to make the magic happen!

We are raising a series A right now & accepting offers from individuals with proven track records in 100m dash, 400m sprints, with relay a nice to have & if your organization is named after a dark colored rock, a big tree endemic to Southern California, surnames of people that I don’t know and are therefore strangers, or a word that sounds cool but I don’t really get what it has to do with money then we will hear your offer but we will not be accepting unless its a really good offer.

And remember:

It’s not SaaS – It’s SaaS!!!!!!!!!!

[hold for applause]

*This is false.